Radio X sounds fucking awful

“The best rock and guitar based music” promises the new Radio X, the recently rebranded X-FM, Global says that Radio X is ‘the first truly male-focused, fully national music and entertainment brand for 25-44 year olds’ which is encouraging, if you’re somehow blind to the acrid stench of marketing buzzword shit steaming off this entire display. They’ve roped in perennial bell-end Johnny Vaughn and everyone is a-flush that Chris Moyles, a man who called female listeners ‘dirty whores’ once upon a time when such behaviour wouldn’t get you struck off the Christmas card lists of everyone in broadcasting. Vernon Kay and Ricky Wilson round out this cavalcade of absolute loudmouth arseholes, but what of that ‘best rock and guitar based music?’


Will we at last be hearing Pentagram on Britain’s airwaves? The new Weedeater is probably too much to ask? But Hot Lunch maybe? A Sunday night programme could play Bong records on repeat? What does the press release say? Richard Park, group executive director & director of broadcasting at Global, said: “With new acts like Hozier and James Bay enjoying phenomenal success, and iconic rock acts Muse, the Foo Fighters and the Arctic Monkeys returning with great albums, there couldn’t be a better time to launch Radio X.”

If this were an audio or video broadcast there would have been a fifteen minute pause as I found something appropriately sturdy to internally haemorrhage my head against. I haven’t spoken about Hozier or James Bay in the course of this overlong manifesto for the same reason I wouldn’t regale you with a thousand words about what colour the sky is. And I think Muse and the Foo Fighters have both been namechecked as bastions of early 2000’s mediocrity in which I grew up. I’ve written about how the Arctic Monkeys are about as edgy as a perfect sphere too. Clearly instead of focusing on genuinely new and refreshing modern guitar music (like this blog almost does), Radio X will focus on reductionist tedious laddy crap pot-boiled in mass batches by twats for the consumption of idiots and their plan is basically to polish up the trough and hope enough of the piggies are enticed come feeding time when they dish out the same unrewarding slop they have for fucking years.

All of this is couched in the slimy marketing buzzwords that make you want to remove teeth with a pair of pliers, incidentally, and if it weren’t such a nakedly cynical attempt to appeal to exactly the sort of “Two-world-wars-and-one-world-cup-Enguluuuuund” cunts I’d like to run over with my car, I’d think there might be some hope in the project, as it stands I shan’t be listening to Radio X. Partly because the much better Radio X is on YouTube courtesy of GTA San Andreas, and partly because of this quote from Johnny Vaughn, which I feel tars everyone involved with the appropriate brush. Maybe you can print it out, fold it up, and ram it up your fucking focus-grouped arse and see if you get any retention from that.

“GREAT BRITAIN NEEDS GREAT BANTER AND I CAN’T WAIT TO BE BACK ON AIR FIVE DAYS A WEEK.”


Written under duress by Steven. Act now and you, too could regret following me on twitter.

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