“His chart danced upon her movements like a cork upon a tide." - The UK Singles Chart Top 20 3/8/2014

Would I rather see the Killers or eat a child’s arm? The eternal pub quiz question.


#15 Bakermat – One Day (Vandaag)


Do not quote Dr Martin Luther King Jr. in your stupid shallow bullshit house track because it adds plus ten to pretentiousness and minus eighty to tolerability. Well I have a dream, because I have seen the promised land (it was the seventies when listening to the chart was more pleasant than connecting your face to a sewage outlet pipe the day after all your flatmates have been out for a curry and laxative binge), now I may not get there with you because I will either quit, or it might be time for my long delayed suicide…

#10 Melissa Steel featuring Popcaan – Kisses for Breakfast


If someone’s voice is autotuned I like to think the modulation isn’t digital but is coming from the starlet in question having her face slapped by four or five record exec cocks. This song is awful. Kisses are a terrible source of fibre and protein, and quality songs apparently.

#5 Bars and Melody – Hopeful


I don’t have to listen to a little fucking foetus who was still tucked up safe in his dad’s left bollock back when MTV played music. Life is too short. I don’t have to listen to your problems when your problems entirely consist of not having enough coco pops for breakfast. I am hopeful for ‘bars and melody’ though, once he’s passed through puberty in about ten years he might be a useful salt mine labourer when I establish my caliphate. This could be the worst song yet, at least on a moral level. While Cheryl Cole and a million others are on the same intellectual level as a seven year old, they at least resemble people old enough to have their own house keys.

#3 Zhu – Faded


I listened to Zhu while doing a brutal shit. It’s pointless soullessness, like a metallic Audi or a piece of flight luggage was quite reassuring and fitted perfectly with the noise of the water rushing round the bowl.

Straight outta Compton
Crazy motherfucker called Ice Cube
Band broke up
Solo career not that good.



Written under duress by Steven.

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