This is happening to people right now. Human beings are being killed, and forced to kill in the name of things that aren't people, and that is sick. Don't mistake this for some kind of idiot social justice misguided 'Palestine is innocent' bullshit because those God-loving fucking shits are as much to blame as the Israelis for starting and perpetuating the cycle of violence that wraps around the region like a snake eating its own tail. Stop buying chart music, stop retweeting things, and fly to Israel and stick your head in the barrel of a self-propelled gun if you want to change anything. If you aren't prepared to do that, accept within yourself that complete evil is something you're willing to put up with so long as you are comfortable. Maybe we can just straight up and say it, we are a nation of some one billion salesmen who are prepared to kill anyone in the world who makes us feel uncomfortable. If that gives you a disquiet in your soul, change it. Retweets don't count, ever.
Well I’m diving into the bear pit of a three-week chart. Expect this to be short and suicidal. Seriously, I opened up the chart last night and literally couldn’t face it, but I’m so knackered tonight it’ll hopefully just wash over me. I would also rather ram a chordless drill up my front chunk than do this.
#19 Vamps – Somebody to You
Fifteen seconds in and I’ve already contracted type two diabetes from how cheery this song is. It’s the kind of cheery smilyness someone might have if you awake to find them sharpening a knife over you in the dead of night. The kind of vapid consumerist shite that makes you want to renounce the west and go and join Al-Qaeda. I was able to survive only by using juxtaposition to imagine the stunning vintage de Havilland DH100 Vampire fighter jet in original RAF livery.
#18 X Ambassadors and Jamie N Commons – Jungle
This didn’t give me a hernia.
#17 Nicole Scherzinger – Your Love
This song did give me a hernia. I suspect that the interminable prevalence of talentless vacuous bikini-fillers will become a bugbear of mine later in the chart I’m sure.
#14 Neon Jungle – Louder
A series of arguments in the comments of this article are making the point that ‘NJ’ are better than ‘LM’ [Notes to editors: LM=Little Mix]. I would only remind you that ‘better’ is a qualifying word. My main problem with all girl groups is that they aren’t Pussy Riot.
#12 MK featuring Alana – Always
I feel like I’m in hell.
#8 Rixton – Me and My Broken Heart
What’s worse than Maroon Five? Holocaust denial, people who urinate somewhere other than the designated place and don’t clean it up themselves, and trying and failing to be Maroon Five. Why would you do such a thing?
#7 Will i Am featuring Cody Wise – It’s My Birthday
Everyone with me at the moment can attest that upon seeing the combination of artist and track name I let out a painful faux death rattle like a soldier treading on an improvised Vietcong landmine on the day before he was supposed to rotate back to the world. Uuurgh. The chances of this being a searing piece of musical genius are roughly equivalent to the chances of the Queen swinging in through my living room window right now with a knife betwixt her teeth and then inviting me by royal appointment to burp the greatest hits of Frank Sinatra at the Sydney Opera House on a twelve-night sellout tour before joining her on a whirlwind chaos tour of Latin America. I’ve listened to it now. I’m in half a mind to go down to the petrol station and fill myself up with good old 95 RON liquid brain killer. I genuinely don’t want to live on this planet anymore. It’s a relief in a way, because even if the next six songs cause my laptop to spontaneously explode and lodge pieces of lithium shrapnel into my skull they will be positive experiences compared to this wretched scum trench.
#6 Charley XCX – Boom Clap
Besides something woolly mammoths have to get a cream for after a night out in Falkirk, what is ‘boom clap’ I wonder? Well, if your heart is making a boom-clap sound it may indicate you’ve torn your aorta and will shortly be dead.
#2 Magic – Rude
White boys playing pop reggae? It still works. God damnit.
#1 Subchud Goddess – Cheerleader Corpses
To (possibly) misquoth the great Werner Herzog: “You must not avert your eyes, because this is what is coming at us. This is what a collective anonymous body of majority wants to see.” Which is kind of why I do this. To explore the art a society wants to project itself is one thing, but to dive into the dirt to try to make sense of this ongoing war fought with decibels and pointless words, this seemingly endless quest to mine out further sub-basements in the barrel, which at this point represents an ant hive; that is to understand something. I have more questions out of this column than answers… Why the hell is this popular? I had a profound experience with pop the other day, in the car one of the very early Katy Perry songs came on and in a steering-wheel tapping way, it worked, but on the radio afterwards was this twisted Frankenstein’s monster abortion and it completely died on its arse leaving me sitting in traffic genuinely contemplating throwing the work Seat under a truck. This is what is coming at us, god help us.
Written under duress by Steven.