It seems appropriate to write a column about the pasty commercial-grade lard poured out of my speakers every Sunday night purporting to be music, when Michael Bay has just done his semi-annual splattery Transformers shit all over a cinema screen near you. I don’t have anything substantive to say, and doubt I will about any of today’s new additions to the chart. I’m going on holiday in a few weeks and shan’t be infecting my beautiful highland surroundings with shrieking little piss weasels so you might as well enjoy this one because it’ll be the only column ‘til sometime the end of July. Let's dance, to music.
#10 DJ Fresh Versus TC featuring Little Nikki – Make U Bounce
I approach the title of this song the way a desk clerk approaches a new pile of paperwork that drops onto his desk at ten past four on a Friday afternoon. I don’t even have the strength to go into a protracted foul-mouth tirade about the hideousness that must have been visited upon a child to cause them to grow into the kind of stunted omnitwat that thinks a letter ‘u’ is an acceptable substitute for ‘you’. The song says literally nothing musically or lyrically. If this song had a brain (it doesn’t) and you hooked it up to a brain-wave visualizer it would just be loudly flatlining. Incidentally, I do wholeheartedly approve of the John Carpenter-esque body horror plastic reality creeping into these videos like a lone tolerable person at a Five Seconds of Summer gig.
#6 Sia – Chandelier
Not to parrot the words of the kind of Daily Mail reading, shit sucking hypocritical self-styled holier-than-thou Moral Guardians that infest the media, but if this kind of video isn’t illegal, society has failed. Didn’t Rolf Harris just go to prison for watching this sort of thing. It isn’t that I get off on it, but I know someone does and that’s what makes me uncomfortable. The explantation for why this sounds exactly like Rhianna on a less screechy day is because it probably is. The elusive Sia has apparently penned tracks for the twin queens of pop music and is now attempting to come out from under the sheltered cave of writing and onto the piss-soaked stage of personal glory. The only thing holding her back is the originality-free zone that exists around her like she’s in a fucking Matrix without new ideas.
#1 Ariana Grande featuring Iggy Azalea – Problem
Any compliments, such as the fact that Iggy Azalea probably deserves all the pre-emptive “she’s taken over the rap game” articles, in the same way Obama got a peace prize after seven months in the big chair, because her flow is pretty impressive; or that the saxophone riff actually ain’t half bad are smothered by the fact that this song is more heavily overproduced and stage-managed than a photo-op in a bombed out Baghdad street. There isn’t an inch of it that hasn’t been poured over by a rolodex of top-notch producers who all imagine they’re still working for Deep Purple just to get through the day, which is why this is probably the least offensive the number one spot has been in quite a while.
So hey, turns out when you repeatedly pelt a man with the diarrhoea of an obese elephant, when you pelt him with the shite from a human with an agreeable diet and he kinda likes it. So yes, the chart has worn me down enough so that listening to that Ariana Grande track didn’t make me feel like I was pulling the trigger on a Single Action Army with its unforgiving cold steel pressed against my temple and repeated bulletless clicks keeping me stuck to this infernal world. Are you happy? You’ve broken me.
Go and listen to Elton John you unappreciative bastards. This is all your fault you know! If you just bought good music like I told you to for years, none of this would happen.
Written under duress by Steven.