Closer to the chart - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 1st of June 2014

Wah wah wah, you didn’t do a chart this week. Wah wah wah. Well suck it up, because partly I couldn’t be arsed because doing this is one of my least favourite moments of any given week, partly because I had guests, partly because I’m moving house right now, and partly because I want to teach you insufferable cretins that sometimes life will just shit on you, as it will if you put off doing a chart for two whole weeks and all the chart music piles up like not flushing the toilet for two weeks (during which time you alternated between Guinness- and curry-only diets). Yes I am continuing with the shit analogies, thankyou for asking. Because that’s what the chart is. A waterfall of shite, occasionally noteworthy for jamming up the whole system with a massive unpleasant brick.

#17 Twin Atlantic – Heart and Soul

I have a sister who likes Twin Atlantic so I might have to be diplomatic about this; but that will be difficult seeing as the song begins promisingly enough with some angular riffs, the sort of thing the Arctic Monkeys used to do before that awful plane crash in the Alps where they were forced to eat their own guts to survive. Unfortunately there’s plenty of X-factor whining over the top to ruin the goodwill the vocals bought. Reasonably despicable but didn’t cause too large a hernia I suppose.

#9 Ellie Goulding – Beating Heart

What is it with hearts in the chart right now? Those muscle groups pumping blood round yer body to keep your other muscles working? They aren’t that great, just give you gyp in the end. Although I suppose people in the mainstream music industry must spend an inordinate amount of their day gazing out of the window wondering what it must be like to have a heart, instead of a clockwork money-machine. The existence of any significant signing career for someone as drippy as Ellie Goulding to me seems to be a cry for help by someone inside the label. Either that or a bet that got out of hand. She does have a recognisable voice, which in this era of utterly interchangeable chart artists is something to marvel, but that’s more of a criticism of the rest of the chart than it is a positive spin on the tedious, miserable, forgettable half-club dross pedalled by Miss Goulding. Incidentally, when her career inevitably fizzles out like the last breath of a man dying in a hospital bed will they finally let her out of that forest she’s been stuck in?

#3 Klingande – Jubel

This sounded interesting, until I looked them up, where they combine the sounds of “Swedish house music” with piano and saxophone, which is like combining the genitals of a loved one with a fistful of broken glass. But I’m a sucker for a bit of saxophone and this might be the highest charting song I actually quite like. Okay so I wouldn’t listen to it were it on, but when bookended by everything else it’s one of the least offensive things I’ve been subjected to of late.

#1 Second City – I Wanna Feel

I too want to feel, but I can’t do it with music exhibiting such totality of meaninglessness. I’m becoming convinced through this column that people don’t want to use music to explore sensory bliss or deep feeling, they, to quote High Fidelity’s Rob, just want something they can ignore. If your musical universe was this myopic, I’d want to ignore it too.

I literally don’t care anymore. Make up your own ending.

Written under duress by Steven.

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