This is the way the world ends, not with a chart, but with a whimper - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 4th of May 2014

Memo #587 to the music writers’ union stated that one cannot begin any piece of music-related writing this week without first opining about how awful the new Avril Lavigne video is as if (1) nobody expected it to be and (2) nobody else has noticed yet. Dutifully fulfilling my job to point out that this video is terrible and the song is worse than having a shit-soaked knitting needle pushed into your ear by a team of snails taking alternate days off. Why anyone cares is beyond me. I’ve been playing Dark Souls and listening to the new Body/Thou split on repeat. It’s 2014’s ‘watching the X-Files in the dark’. 2014 is already a better year than 2013 in music, and I’m not going to introduce you to ANY OF IT because you cunts still buy chart music, you brazen idiot children. I wish I could just go to some beach party with a friend and a coil of wire, and run from one end to the other and take every one of your goddamn heads off. Not that I’ve got an axe to grind or anything…

#20 Paloma Faith – Only Love Can Hurt Like This

Whey-hey! Paloma Faith in the chart again, but instead of an infectious groovy track like before it’s a tedious miserable naval-gazing tosh. It’s more naval gazing than a Battlships convention and it’s woefully limp and boring and made all the worse by the fact that I don’t only know she could do better, but that she IS doing better, at number 50, with Can’t Rely On You.

#1 Calvin Harris – Summer

You scum. You couldn’t even be arsed to release anything new this week so there is only one NEW song in the top twenty. But saying ‘new’ implies that even a second’s creative thought was involved in any aspect of the life of Calvin Harris, who is so utterly derivative I bet his parents didn’t even think about having him, he just sort of arrived. As it is the song is as creatively bankrupt as that restoration of the furry Jesus painting. As usual the veil over the misogyny in this video is stretched so far it becomes completely transparent. If you aren’t some sort of anorexic pneumatic Nuts cover girl you’re basically not welcome at the camp for undernourished skinny-jean wearing weekend-warrior office cunts, and you’re probably off the hook because all they do is drink brand lager and listen to Calvin Harris.

I only had to listen to two songs today, and they were both shit, but I’ve still heard less shit music today than I was expecting so put this in the ‘win’ column please. Did you see that free Weedeater single download they were offering? It’s a cool song and you should listen to it because I say so.

Written under duress by Steven.

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