The new Coldplay album is a game-changer - IN SEARCH OF SPACE #210

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I hate hating Coldplay, I really do. Because every time I mention how I would rather be exsanguinated than listening to their tedious empty dribbling crap ever again, people say “of course you hate them”, no, no, you don’t understand, I really hate Coldplay, it isn’t a statement, I really just hate them. Well I was dashing an email off to m’colleague waxing lyrical about the latest Coldplay release and it came out more eloquently than expected so I thought I’d post it here for the benefit of the wider audience.

“It’s awful; it’s legendarily apocalyptically bad, it’s so bad I had to check I wasn’t experiencing brain death while it was on. It’s the same utterly vacuous crap they’ve been pulling ever since I was in my early teens and people’s mums listened to them on the school run in their silver Mondeos. Martin and Co. are still the absolute worst (best?) at depressing waterlogged flannels of songs, and they’ve packed the latest album full. Compared to the new Coldplay album the emptiness of deep space seems busy and appealing. My bank account looks deep and rich in comparison. It has less substance than John Cage’s 4’33”. If it were presented as a sandwich instead of an album it would essentially be bread. The only people who can make more noise than Coldplay while communicating less are politicians. The envelope would move more if it were being pushed by a glacier. I will never criticise a record for being dull again because compared to this new Coldplay album the most terrible derivative wishy-washy dreary bumgazing shite explodes across my consciousness like C4 Pig Destroyer riding a Saturn 5 rocket. I urge you to check it out if only to reframe your notions. I hear a lot of people talking about “oh, that Saint Anger, worst album I’ve ever heard”. Well, you sir have not heard much music if that is the worst you’ve ever heard. You’ll be sitting in a beige waiting room for your root canal and you’ll be mainlining adrenaline after you’ve heard this Coldplay album. Worst album of the year. Worst piece of entertainment media. It makes humankind look bad.”

Written under duress by Steven.

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