Closer to the chart - The UK Singles Chart Top 20 18th May 2014

IT’S ABOUT THAT TIME! Where my faith in humanity is slowly eroded a few more precious notches, like a crumbling Devonshire cliff edge, my inevitable hate-filled rampage a shaky cottage teetering perilously on the precipice. Another few weeks of this shit and I’m going to start making ornaments out of inattentive people’s skin. Looking over the chart the last few weeks has taken five minutes because there’s been two (shit) songs each week, but this week there’s been a bit of a shake-up and there seem to be dozens of new songs. I’m not sure if this fills me with renewed vitality or grinds me down further.

#20 Ed Sheeran – One

You kinda felt bad insulting James Blunt because he served his country with distinction and seemed (on Never Mind the Buzzcocks and the like) to be a genuinely nice person. Ed Sheeran has no such luck, because despite his resemblance to everyone’s favourite shepherd-machine-gunning heir-apparent, Ed Sheeran has done nothing except release execrable ponderous music people mistake for meaningful and deep. Only the slowly extending YouTube progress bar informs me I’m listening to a top-twenty song and not my cunt neighbour strumming disinterestedly away on his guitar wondering if this tortured indie artist schtick will ever get him laid. The artificially-inflated inexplicably-loved embodiment of everything that is wrong with British music, and the British people as a whole, as ground down as they are by awful culture that grows on any vestige of talent like gummy cheese and at this point so utterly zombified that they’ll accept pretty much any clean cut white boy making bum-gazing warbling noises with a guitar, or anybody inoffensively black enough to let them pretend they’re listening to urban music. Fuck ‘em.

#19 5 Seconds of Summer – Good Girls

The loathsome 5 Seconds of Summer are back in the chart, still with a name that stands brazenly waving its pre-pubescent willy at the AP Style guide. With anther terrible record with the veil of misogyny pulled so thin it becomes transparent, this time though it doesn’t have a video, because nobody could be arsed. I can almost see the meetings, the three five year old foetuses pushed in an obnoxiously wide pram into the meeting room by their manager- who is thoroughly coked-up enough to be able to look himself in the face every morning without letting the overwhelming suicidal despair of managing a band that play like a shite backcountry school band-night rendition of McFly ten years after this style was even remotely unironically bearable get to him- asking video producers to make them a video in their gurgling infant voices and then being perplexed by the waves of video-producer suicide that follow them across the world. Plus anyone who sings the line “Good girls are bad girls that haven’t been caught” ought to take a gander at Maria Mandl’s Wikipedia article. The fact that interesting, exciting musical artists scrape by from their music while these jumped-up shitcunts strut around like an evil parallel universe Wand Erection will be looked on by future generations as a crime.

#18 Jason DeRulo – Wiggle

Wiggle is quite a funny word.

In Douglas Adams’ fabulous Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy he describes one critic having their large intestine detach and leap up through their neck to throttle their brain. That is what I genuinely began experiencing in the moments I listened to this song, in between long breaks of heavy drinking and screaming. If I were to say anything positive about this song, as much as my fingers appear to be trying to rebel as I type this, I would say Snoop Dogg knows what he’s doing, more than silky voiced DeRulo who must be mainlining butter to have enough calories to try this hard to get a hit. He’s working so damn hard, really pushing himself to try and get a viral hit, and knowing how utterly insipid chart people are, he probably will. Damn you all to hell.

#17 Conchita Würst – Rise Like a Penis

Conchita inspires a lot of conflicted feelings in me, and I don’t just mean the usual mix of arousal and revulsion. It would be a crime for me to insult someone with such a spectacular beard, or someone, paradoxically, with such massive nuts as Conchita. I like that her inclusion and ultimate success pissed off bigots across Europe to such an extent that Russia wants to create its own fascist Euro song contest with none of that questionable sexuality and spectacular camp that has totally never been in Eurovision until Conchita turned up. That I like, because bigots are slightly below pinworms wriggling about in a sweaty trucker’s stool in terms of animals I care about and wouldn’t mind a tiny bit if they died painfully in the gut of the Sarlacc. BUT it is like the knowingly-shite theme tune of an Italian Bond rip-off and it gave a lot of completely ineffectual people the feeling they’d actually achieved some massive victory over bigotry which they totally hadn’t so I guess this goes in the win column.

#9 Common Linnets – Calm After the Storm

Hey, it was the other Eurovision song I kinda liked, which now I hear it in studio form is a bit too Every Breath You Take for my liking. Not particularly interesting as Eurovision fare because it’s sincere enough you kinda feel bad about insulting it, and a bit too good to be one of the comedy entries. Put it in the win column again I guess.

#1 Rita Ora – I Will Never Let You Down

I’ll be the fucking judge of that Rita, and no, you probably won’t because my expectations of the chart are such that if I opened my computer next Sunday night and a big sloppy shite rolled out of the screen over my keys I’d probably give it at least three out of a possible ten. In its defence this song is slightly less hateful because it has a beat, and presence and soul because Rita, slight as she may be, is at least has a ghost of star quality.

If you liked that Common Linnets, try Velvet Underground-pretenders the Very Wicked, they’re from South Africa and they’re cool as a breeze down Death Valley.

Written under duress by Steven.

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