Chart-i-ficial - The UK Singles Chart Top 20 May 25th 2014

Apparently I struck some kind of a chord with the hyper-intelligent, funny, unique, interesting and frankly devastatingly attractive people who read this blog when I last week described the chart, humorously, as a ‘shart’; but aside from provoking much tittering [you changed one letter, you’re hardly Peter Sellers. Ed.] I think I may genuinely have been onto something. Much like the aforementioned rectal reversal of fortune, the chart is supposed to be a jolly and amusing trump, perhaps slightly unpleasant at times but something to be enjoyed and moved on from, instead it seems to have backfired, filling the chart with unwanted shite and leaving everyone involved having to make awkward excuses to waddle to the bathroom. An increasing feature of these chart columns is that the music is so repetitive and inconsequential that I have very little to say, and what I do have to say tends to be repetitive, so apologies for that. Buy better singles you cunts and maybe I’ll feel less like hanging myself on a Sunday night.


#20 Afrojack featuring Wrabel – Ten Foot Tall


According to a series of angry fans, this songs is Mister Wrabel written and performed and just warped by Mister Jack. I has that thing all pretty poor dance music has where the beats are less like punctuation and more like a skipping CD player. Like a lot of really terrible sphincter-inspecting pop it seems to want to be rousing and affirming but is a little too limp and serves only to be quite depressing, like the music in a tampon advert after the women have plugged themselves up and are now free to go cycling or high-kicking Kim Jong Un.

#15 Coldplay – A Sky Full of Stars


In what is presumably a reference to his speed-dial, Coldplay have let rip another stonking rock and roll song. EDIT. No they haven’t, I was jabbing my finger into an electrical socket to try to make something interesting happen. I would direct you to my thoughts on the album as a whole, which can be found here (TL;DR: It’s boring as hell). I don’t even want to call it shit, because at least on a cellular level, shit is fizzing with life. If the Rolling Stones were dead, they’d still be more alive than this. I can’t even imagine a situation in which this record could be interesting. Even if you sharpened it into a shuriken, lit it on fire and threw it at the Queen it probably wouldn’t even rouse more than a tired sigh from anyone who had the misfortune of hearing the impact. Please someone work with me on my erotic musical because although “Luck Be A Labia Tonight” might be offensive, nobody will ever say it’s boring. Maybe Martin and Co. have just been pulling a joke all these years and they can’t really believe it’s stuck this long. Each album seemingly more dreary than the previous is just pushing the British public harder and harder. It really speaks volumes that the comments are almost exclusively “Coldplay are a big inspiration for me, please check out my music” Proving Coldplay’s continued output of lifeless shapeless monuments have become kind of a Stonehenge for absolute cunts. Take off and nuke the entire site from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure.

#8 Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake – Love Never Felt So Good


At last, someone in the chart who knows how to produce music like this without making me want to break the bottle of scotch I need to get through this bullshit over my head and slit my throat with the resultant edge. Even Timberlake is at least adept at making pop music, neither of the hombres bring their A-game but it will probably be song of the week, if I were to do that, which I don’t, because I couldn’t live with myself knowing I have to pick from the thalidomide babies.

#5 Clean Bandit featuring Sharna Bass – Extraordinary


The thumbnail for this video depicts a scantily clad woman with two men, one of whom is playing the piano, on a beach. As if awful shitey 2014 pop music has reached its intolerable conclusion; and I’m already wondering whether to click the link or whether at last I should just throw the ‘Country A through K’ rack out on the street and become the hairy-palmed mountain man I’m destined to be. Well, I listened to it and didn’t feel a thing. I felt like I was looking at carpet swatches, or reading financial news about a South American country. The part of my brain that has become hideously inflated over time that controls opinion-having was completely shut off for the duration, which is deeply worrying.

#3 Fuse ODG featuring Sean Paul – Dangerous Love


Well it’s nice to see the chart not being entirely whitewashed, and this song at least has a shot of adrenaline injected into it to bring some movement, but I can’t say I enjoyed it at all.

#1 Sam Smith – Stay With Me


I’m afraid to make the ‘bum gazing’ comment about this because apparently Sam Smith is gay, and apparently most of the population was born in the 1800s and this is any kind of a deal. But this song is really, as is the manner of these things, terribly dreary and meaningless, repetitive and boringly plodding. Utterly interchangeable with the other fifty arsewardsly-inclined records I’ve had the distinct and tangible displeasure of witnessing over the last few weeks.

I keep hoping this chart will pop out a genuinely decent song at last; there was that Paloma Faith track that dropped out of the chart while her infinitely more shite other song stays in the top ten inexplicably. There was that Avicii track ‘Addicted to You’ that was good as well, and as Meatloaf definitely didn’t say, two songs in ten weeks is quite bad. Is there going to be a good track? You be the judge. I’ll keep writing these unless you tell me to stop. What’s the definition of insanity again? I’ve been deeply saddened by the propensity of the chart to dump out sad songs. Back in my learn-ed days during a class on popular music the class was invited to share their ‘favourite song’ with everyone, and 90% of it was miserable dreary shite (I picked the Pretty Things, Reincarnation live purely for the drummer’s antics, natch); at the time I had a theory, people wanted to appear to listen to ‘good’ music, so they picked something depressing and bum-gazing because they thought they’d appear intelligent. Well most of those songs have all the depth and integrity of a teaspoon, and great music tends to inspire something other than a tired sigh. That’s my theory, nobody likes these songs, they just pretend to to try and impress someone or some group by listening to ‘thoughtful’ songs. Thoughtful people listen to the Rolling Stones and the Who and that one good Deep Purple album, and rock and dance and hip-hop and music that doesn’t leave your soul feeling like your mouth after syphoning a tank of pentrol; you stupid self-obsessed shitheads.



Written under duress by Steven.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...