Set the controls for the chart of the sun - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 27th of April 2014

Writing this at five to seven, awaiting the new chart in the same way I’m awaiting death, with an unironic sense of joy and anticipation. I am going to assume you’ve all been struck by how utterly facile the chart picks have been and the singles chart is all Pig Destroyer and Gnod singles. It is, right? The fiberglass-hollow crap that I’ve been listening to thusfar has not really enthused me as to the quality of chart music; but what has surprised is the amount of people who agree with me. Nobody has tried to defend chart music to me, everybody thinks it is utter vacuous nonsense, like its progenitors which begs the question: who the hell is buying this garbage? The people on the Guardian podcast think it’s schlock, my friends think it’s schlock regardless of their musical proclivities, so who buys it and can you stop please?

#14 Indiana – Solo Dancing

DO YOU FUCKING GET IT YOU THICK TWATS! Beating the meat, choking the chicken, flicking the bean, squeezing the lemon! Indiana likes it solo. Oh for sake of all the fucks. Oh and the end of the video features her stroking a cat just in case your head has recently been caved in by a simpleton waving a baseball bat made out of frozen stupid. There is something about dance music, the short songs and the mantric Times cryptic crossword lyrics, it’s cultlike and I’m not sure I like it. Thankfully it never catches on because it’s tired and repetitive and lazy.

#7 Neon Jungle – Welcome to the Jungle

Every member of the band is too young to fly a plane, and is the sort of young that they think the prequel Star Wars films are the good ones. They are an almost despicably predictable girl group. Enough of the house-influenced neon-soaked crap for fans of latterday GaGa and Girls Aloud, but enough ‘urban’ sound to make it appealing to 1Xtra (incidentally: how do I like my coffee? No milk, no sugar, just urban). The band are from the newest talent pool of barely-legal River Island-fashonistas, and they all appear to be ‘Ethnic Spice’. Although for once I could believe these young women actually like the music they are making, and their nearly-there pop stardom is kind of endearing. There might be racist undertones to ‘welcome to the jungle’ but to entertain such a notion would be to accept the idea that this song has any meaning whatsoever.

#6 DJ Cassidy featuring Robin Thicke and Jessie J – Calling All Hearts

Gee, thanks DJ Cassidy for Voltron-ing together rapist-faced Simon Cowell sex doll Robin Thicke and estuary foghorn Jessie J into a single grinning vomit pile. The song wants to recall all that awful turn-of-the-millennium pop that tried to convince the world that it was one happy giggly coffee morning, led by legions of shop window dummy zombies. Mercifully that trend was put to an end by the four horsemen of environmental degradation, economic collapse, illegal war and bureaucratic incompetence reminding everyone that the only thing certain in life is death and taxes, and that death will probably come at the hands of an illegal US drone strike, and taxes will probably be mischarged and spent on a duck house. As it is this track looks like a visitor from a distant past like a plantation owner staggering around central London trying to buy slaves, or a Christian who still thinks the world respects his idiotic mystical bullshit.

#5 Cash Cash featuring Bebe Rexha – Take Me Home

Your honour, I present exhibit A for the prosecution: irrefutable proof that anyone who likes this song is a massive cunt with the same cognitive power as a sea cucumber.

Your honour, the prosecution rests.

#1 Mr Probz – Waves

You people probably don’t realise how hard it is week after week to keep being horrible about music that is as insubstantial as biscuit buckshot and inoffensive as gay marriage to anyone born after 1839. It genuinely takes me a few minutes to notice that these songs have stopped, because I do several infinitely more interesting things while they are playing. None so far have been worse than Waves, whose presence in the chart, let alone at the number one spot is utterly baffling to me. There’s a market for crap, people are stupid and the mainstream media is monolithic, feeding you the same cookie-cutter milk-toast pop and explodey Michael Bay neurone-squandering films until that’s the only think you want; but stuff like this genuinely shuts down my capacity to be horrible about it and just kinda sits there obliviously like a housecat after everyone has gone to sleep. The kind of people who like music like this can probably discuss curtains for more than twelve seconds and order plain cheese when we order out for pizza.

That’s all. Chris Brown stubbornly stays in the chart despite being worse than a used tampon cannon, and Coldplay return because flavourless pop is in at the moment. Here’s a Pig Destroyer song that contains more ideas and spark in 28 seconds than the last six weeks of chart music have had collectively.

See you all next week, and if I don’t, it means I’ve finally psyched myself into my long-delayed suicide.

Written under duress by Steven.

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