"OM, man!" - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 30th of March

“I really loved your chart rundown”
For years I have thanklessly coughed my deeply-held love of alternative music onto the internet, we’ve had two WORLD SCOOPS in the form of our reviews of OM’s Advaitic Songs and most recently the Body’s spectacular I Shall Die Here. We’ve talked with love, and warmth, about all manner of things for ages, and it turns out what I should have been doing all along is kicking the shit out of some defenceless chart music. Yes, that utterly unprovoked mauling given to the British chart last week netted me far more attention and hits than anything else we’ve ever done. So, never one to miss an opportunity for a quick buck, I’m doing it again. Several people requested that I do this monthly or weekly, so blame them. For the record, this feels like bullying, like going into the cancer ward at a children’s hospital and challenging them to a pressup contest. In the interests of making the world an improved place, I would like to direct you, if you don’t go anyway, to Anthony Fantano and the Needle Drop, who would never lower himself to this sort of cheapness, unlike me. Well fine, like an unlicensed doctor, we’re churning out another abortion.

Only things that are new to the top twenty will be getting meaninglessly insulted, because fuck listening to all that guff again, fuck it right in the bowels.

#20 Coldplay – Magic

Is there anything left to say about Coldplay? I’m not going to be horrible and make jokes about Chris Martin’s marriage because I can’t even bring myself to do anything after listening to this utterly predictable empty, vacuous miserable piece of shit. For the few minutes it was on I genuinely thought I was experiencing brain death. If you’re some sort of high-minded Jesus-freak and can’t bear the idea of evolution, perhaps you should listen to Coldplay because this is the exact same hollow wank they were pushing on us ten fucking years ago. Avoid like a badly made flavourless Quorn pie laced with brown acid and Ebola.

#15 Chris Brown featuring Lil Wayne – Loyal

Cunt the fuck off, Chris Brown, you miserable woman-beating piece of shit. If I ever meet you I’m going to punch your face in until your security pull me away. If I was a doctor I’d refuse to resuscitate you. I hope the next woman you try to beat carries a gun and shoots you dead. As far as I’m concerned you should have been sealed off in a medieval oubliette. The people who forgave you for what you did on the grounds that you are “a good dancer” ought to be fired out of a Nazi railway cannon into the upper atmosphere. You are a cancer eating away at the heart of anything you touch, Fuck You from the dregs of my soul. If you could even appropriate a bit of decency by proxy you’d kill yourself, and the world will be a better place when you die.

Oh and by the way, you repellent little piece of filth, your single is shit and your line “these hoes ain’t loyal” literally made me throw up in my mouth a little.

#7 Martin Garrix and Jay Hardway – Wizard

This is the sort of thing I imagine you like if you’re the sort of cretin who doesn’t use punctuation in YouTube comments. I was wondering when it was going to start, then it ended, and I wasn’t sad when it stopped.

#3 FAUL and Wad Ad versus Pnau – Changes

Sadly not a cover of the only bad song from the first four Sabbath albums, and with a band-name like a scrabble board falling down a flight of stairs, I wasn’t reminded of anything musical but rather those awful massive sugary Starbucks drinks they try to push on us to make us fatter and slowly turn us all into Americans. It’s frothy, light, will remind you of infinitely better things, and will generally just loll about on your sofa for five minutes taking up space before disgusting everyone at the party with a huge belch and buggering off somewhere else.

#1 5 Seconds of Summer – She Looks So Perfect

Not that I want to get a reputation as an unpleasable pedant (I would very much like that), but my AP style guide insists that numbers one to ten be written as words (I would also argue for eleven and twelve because aren’t they just nice words?), well anyway, your name is a typo. Also your song title objectifies women so well done, if there was a scorecard, I haven’t even heard your song and already I’m readying my big red teacher’s pen to write “very poor, see me”.

Also you lose at least another one point because every member of the band looks young enough to have gnawed through their own umbilical cord before each chorus. I thought this kind of trad-rock bollocks went out with McFly. Plastic GAP model rejects who look so self-obsessed they probably shout their own names at the moment of orgasm with stupid hair and song lyrics cribbed from the diary entries of a Ritalin-addled fourteen year old girl. I suppose they look like “boys next door” if you live next door to a stage school; but their preachy boring boorish misogynist commercialist trash is so utterly perfunctory that even their manager probably refers to them as “what’s his name?” I’m grateful I’ll have forgotten them five seconds after I finish typing this sentence.

Having graphed the trends in the taste of people who buy chart music, I suspect next week’s chart rundown will probably consist of low sobbing followed by a gunshot.

To make me feel less suicidal, here's that FIDLAR video with Ron Swanson doing a piss. We can all watch it together and have a good old laugh.

Written under duress by Steven.

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