Never Mind the Bombings! Here's the Shit Pisstakes - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 6th of April 2014

With all the excitement of a depressed banker wetly hitting the pavement outside JP Morgan, a new chart was dropped onto a completely innocent world. This week I’ll be listening to the chart with my sister, who doesn’t have the same deathly gloomy outlook, so I will be inserting her observances when the mood takes me. Mercifully, there’s only four new songs in the chart because in addition to all the songs being the fucking same, apparently there aren’t even any new songs every week.

#17 Idina Menzel – Let It Go

“You’re ruining it! It’s a magical Disney song about a queen with snow powers!” I’m not sure that this movie should have been encouraging all the under-threes (and over eighties) in the audience to fill their nappies, but hey ho. Not that I understand Tumblr anyway, but their obsession with that song is particularly baffling. I guess it’s okay, if you’re into that sort of thing, which I’m not.

#12 Paulo Nutini – Scream (Funk My Life Up)

“I really like this, it’s like old Beck” says a nearby cunt. This sort of deliberately throw-backy stuff appeals to unpleasable people like me, but I’m unconvinced my life was sufficiently funked up by a now very-ageing Paulo. I wanted more, more funk, I wanted you to funk my life right in the eye socket and spunk all down my chin. This song was a tentative stroking of the thigh before running off home to cry to mummy. Must try harder.

#7 John Martin – Anywhere for You

“That sounds gay”. I’m not trying to pretend I’m much smarter than the people who buy chart music (this column is entirely about that) but within seconds of this shite starting I could tell it was as substantial as a berocca battleship ten minutes after being torpedoed by the Argentine air force. John Martin appears to be the victim (or rather, the profiteer) of Xfactoritis, wherein modern tastes have been so comprehensively eroded by an eternal onslaught of bullshit that anyone with the ability to hold a tone is considered to be stratospherically talented, without necessarily being possessed of presence or character or charisma or originality or ideas. This song seemed to have cheated on Calvin Harris’s test and still fucked up all the answers. Next.

#1 Aloe Blacc – I’m the Man

Why aren’t there more pangender terrorists? Then people might be afraid of writing semi-offensive shite like this. Statistically men make up the vast majority of murderers and violent alcoholics. Being a man means you’ve brought idiocy, war, financial collapse and misery to untold millions across history. If I were ‘the Man’, I would keep it to myself. But like a tumour or a wayward piece of shrapnel, or a mushroom spore from outer space, it did stick in my head and gently annoyed me for the rest of the day.

So it’s week three of the chart. Nothing this week particularly activated my gag reflex, but nothing set my loins afire either, which makes the chart perhaps the worst yet for its utter tedium. Try better next time chart. Now for the obligatory “song that is better than all of these songs” I give you Tony Bambino, and his version of L’Internationale, shorter, sharper, funnier, more important and more fun than anything I've heard in the last three weeks. Start buying decent singles for the chart you stupid fucking cunts. Arise you workers!

Written under duress by Steven.


Anonymous said...

I think you haven't listened to "Released from Love", the Thou/The Body collaboration, and it is clear you are damaging your mental health by not doing it

steven said...

Bless you sweet prince(ss). I had missed that in the scrawl of the internet, but now sufficiently mind-blown and caught up. Many plaudits for reading and for writing in. Keep rolling!

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