I was gonna like the chart, but then I got high - The UK Singles Chart Top Twenty 20th April 2014

Dragonsmoke by Arik Roper
Sheena might be a punk rocker, and he’s in love with Janie Jones, but dear god, there’s no need to listen to Mastadon, no matter how good they used to be. The world’s gone a little crazy, it seems. We’ve given up looking for that missing plane that is either crashed/diverted to Diego Garcia/went through a wormhole [delete as appropriate] and the ‘joys’ of easter/ostara are upon us which some people celebrate by literally having themselves nailed to a cross, and yet others celebrate by eating chocolate eggs, in a brilliant example of what a quite literal broad church the church really is. Yet others celebrate it by being bitter. Would you believe one mad fucker asked me where all my In Search of Space tomfoolery has gone? My largely positive reviews of amazing underground records can be found monthly (though there are a whole whole lot of them) over at Muso’s Guide. Over time, as my mental and employment state has degraded, I have morphed this blog from what it was (a three year project for two young fogies to wax lyrical about their fave shite) into a dumping ground for my thoughts vaguely related to media, and my weekly column where I’m deeply horrible about chart music that in all honesty isn’t that offensive. I wasn’t even that much against Bieber for the longest time (the sort of final-form of pop music) because hey, he was a despicable little shit who badly needed to die, and I suspect there isn’t a slap in the face from life big enough to stop him now, but he wasn’t anywhere near me and I don’t see how following his every move and linking to it on twitter helps anyone but TMZ. He was singing songs that weren’t openly racist to an audience that seemed to like that stuff (until at least they turned 14 and got into Weedeater like everybody else) so why care? That’s why I didn’t do a chart column for the longest time. Research shows being angry breeds more anger, and life is too short to listen to bad music. Having said all that, I quite like getting thousands of clicks a week, so here’s this week’s chart. Which is worse than getting something really unhygienic lodged in a private area. Probably.

Authors note: Daaaw shit you stupid pricks. That Chris Brown song went UP seventeen places this week. How stupid are you? 

#13 Meridian Dan/ Big H/ JME – German Whip

A song about cars? Fucking really? I don’t understand ‘grime’ because I’m old enough to be out after dark, and it makes me feel so very very old; like the way my three and a half year old cousin knows how to work an iPad. It’s dumb because I don’t understand it. It seems to literally be about driving a German car, which beggars belief. Do you remember how granddad was cool because he defeated the Nazis and then invented the NHS? Even our parents got Saddam. What the hell is our generation going to do? Drive a German car apparently.

#11 Eylar Fox – A Billion Girls

There are three and a half billion girls in the world you dick.

Remember the seventies? When we realised women weren’t just tits and arse with one slot for flowers and another for cock? APPARENTLY FUCKING NOT. Also I have really had my fill of genderless midget preteen shitcunts. Makes you long for the days when people like him were sent down the mines.

#3 Shift K3Y – Touch

There must be some sort of child labour law that insists you can’t release any pre-packaged misogynistic pop music until you’ve grown your first pube, because if there isn’t, society has failed. Shift K3Y, who is named after an aftermarket engine grease product, looks like a foetus with the face of James McAvoy and sounds like a ringtone, sings at this helpless young woman because that’s all pop music is, skinny jeans and treating women like a prop for your teenage affectations. The women in these videos are treated just like the ‘German whip’ in Meridian Dan’s video, an object without agency, desire or power of its own that is only manipulated by the fumbling virgin hands of the forgettable pop children cluttering up this week’s chart with their nonsense.

#1 Kiesza – Hideaway

Hideaway is Torche’s best song, from the Songs for Singles EP and you should listen to this. It isn’t this song. Kiesza presumably makes her money from all the google hits gained from people misspelling Ke$ha’s name. I suppose I should be grateful it’s a song about a woman taking control of herself, which modern pop seems utterly opposed to; but it’s as insubstantial as the journalism in an in-flight magazine. She seems earnest enough and the song and video are enjoyably D.I.Y., so I guess I’d rather have her at the top of the chart than anyone else out this week.

Happy 4/20 suckers. I hope you are all smoking the doobie, and nobody has died from a pot overdose that doesn’t exist. Blaze one up and enjoy the Sleeplike, OMlike intonations of the oldest ever piece of music (I feel safe not violating copyright on this occasion). General rule for budding musicos, if you can’t beat a song written 1500 years before the ‘birth’ of Christ, don’t even bother. Also try out Noisey's exhaustive 4/20 playlist.

Written under duress by Steven.

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