So it seems you subscriber cunts don’t like my earnest explorations of basically righteous underground music, so from now on I’ll scale those back and try something a little different. Because my bile and contempt seem to do a lot better, the Arctic Monkeys Brits speech thing did really well, and after a brutal one-sided argument about chart music, and someone insisting I “just don’t like it” I thought I’d prove them wrong, or right by talking about some every week because I'm nice like that.
#20 Trey Songz – Na Na
With repetitive lyrics like fifteen passive-aggressive Facebook statuses stacked end-to-end in some sort of final-form combo tedium, mister Songz seems torn between a faux-tough tribal beat a-la Black Skinhead and faux-melancholy bum-gazing, and finds a way to tribally stare up his own bum.
#19 The Human League – Don’t You Want Me
#18 Pitbull featuring Ke$ha – Timber
Pitbull’s rapping is as tedious as that of a slightly leery potato can be, this is Ke$ha’s show, and she’s probably at her most bearable, although the renewed goodwill I feel towards her is undone by the utterly cardboard Dukes of Hazzardism which is executed with an eye on the quirky dollar. It was nice to be able to set my watch by this song at least.
#17 Christina Perri – Human
Sounds like the backing music in an advert I ignore. I feel this series might quickly require a stamp that says “boredom does not equal depth”. Pop should be a riot, not a quiet Sunday stroll down inspa-lazyional lane. Destined to be added to the shit playlist at stupid people’s funerals.
If you like this song, I hope you do run a red light, pulled over, and get beaten by the police. The beat might be passable if some ex-x-factor douche wasn’t skinny-jeaning all over it.
#15 Flo Rida – How I Feel
The extent to which all Flo Rida songs sound like their imitators is exceeded only by how much their songs sound like each other. Probably interesting for the Asda George-level attempts at big bandstand style.
#14 Avicii – Addicated to You
Maybe Winehouse. The sapphic Baise Moi suicide bomber video is pretty radical in comparison to a lot of this bullshit and the song moves at a decent clip, with enough classic style and modern sheen to make the whole thing click. And there isn’t any vocal solo bum-gazing to shit on all the good will. Call it a B+.
#13 Example – Kids Again
Surprisingly I prefer Example to protracted unanaesthetised Soviet prison dental work, but this new song is no Kickstarts. I guess Ibiza party anthems are easy to make for their idiot audience, but they just aren’t any good.
#12 A Great Big World & Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Don’t say anything, just turn around, walk away, and hopefully this baleful misery porn wank will have evaporated and never be seen again.
#11 Chainsmokers – #SELFIE
If you like “hashtag selfie” then you’re a bad person. Rebecca Black was, rightly, a complete joke, but only months later Carly Rae Jepsen was getting taken seriously, and now there’s this. An awful recycled beat from that Psy song that wasn’t Gangnam Style and an awful So-Cal accented weekend-at-daddies nothing on vocal duties, but it isn’t purely musical, this song is evil. It’s about loathing. Either you’re some holier-than-thou shitbag who likes to pretend they’re above this bullshit, or you’re a selfie-taking creep who has deluded themselves into thinking that realising what a complete loser you are makes you immune. Either way, if you’ve ever listened to this without genuinely feeling bile rising in your throat, you should be oppressed. The fact is, songs like this are bad for the world. I don’t exaggerate when I say I want to lead a national campaign to hunt down anyone who bought this track with a pack of dogs.
Excuse me while I spend five minutes screaming into a pillow to calm myself down.
#10 Sam Smith – Money On My Mind
Tuneless caterwauling like he’s got his knackers caught in a zipper, and this chorus is more annoying than discovering you’ve got a hole in your shoe and some dogshit has snuck in there.
#09 Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull – I’m a Freak
Enrique Iglesias is still alive? Apparently, although I forgot that, along with this whole song. It should be examined by scientists, because I realised about two minutes in that I’d forgotten the beginning of the song.
#08 Katy Perry featuring Juicy J – Dark Horse
Apparently this song is offensive and has been banned by the kinds of backwards places that also ban women from driving… certainly offended me with its glacial pace, but not as much as vanilla talentless Perry’s consistent inexplicable fame and success.
#07 Clean Bandit featuring Jess Glynne – Rather Be
The violin violation doesn’t fit at all, but it’ll work on the next Samsung or Hewlett Packard advert.
#6 Little Mix – Word Up!
I have a herniated disk in my lower back. Essentially that means the little gel pillows that stop my vertebrae clanking together when I’m, well, upright, have burst and pinch a nerve. Having this eternal pain is preferable to the thought of listening to this sub-sub-sub-sub-sub Spice Girls shit ever again.
#5 DVBBS & Borgeous featuring Tinie Tempah – Tsunami (Jump)
When did rappers start bragging “spending way more than I save, I hope it’s a phase”? 25 years ago NWA’s Straight Outta Compton was daring and dangerous, now we’ve got this garbage. Though I’d be lying if I said the beat didn’t work.
#4 Pharrell Williams – Happy
Professional celebrity hat exister-under tries to make an anthemic single; is too drippy to catch on.
#3 John Legend – All of Me
Less of you.
#2 Route 94 featuring Jess Glynne – My Love
Repetitive, empty, and utterly meaningless [Yes, like this blog, ha ha ha you unfunny fuck you]. Hurry up and take some o’ them green eccies already, because this shit sucks.
#1 Duke Dumont featuring Jax Jones – I Got U
It’s not summer yet, and it shows. Somebody will probably name this the “soundtrack to the summer”, which means they’ve never heard of T-Rex and I feel sorry for those people.
I used to be into pop music, back in 2003 when I was a stupid little shit. If anything the videos have got more misogynistic. So yeah, chart music, dull, awful, occasionally outright offensive and very rarely tolerable. Can’t we see one man’s arse? Seeing as nothing really lit my candle this week, why don’t I give you a bonus track to remind you what good pop music is. Take it away, the Rolling Stones; who, with their infectious energy and pitch-perfect mix and construction will make you believe you’ve seen the face of God, and remind you of a time when chart music was consistently excellent.
Our thoughts are with Mick Jagger. Keep rolling, stone.
Our thoughts are with Mick Jagger. Keep rolling, stone.
Written under duress by Steven.