Smiley Virus - IN SEARCH OF SPACE #180

The fight is over, you can give up now. We lost. Chauvinism, anti-feminism, the androcracy, all that won. Some time ago. When women started unironically pole dancing for exercise. But quite a few nails are being hammered into female empowerment’s coffin by child star turned rolling-news burnout Miley Cyrus. Daughter of contemptible Billy Ray Cyrus and star of Hannah Montana. Miley, like Britney, like every single child pop star before her all the way back to Elvis is in the midst of a choreographed and planned ‘shock’ phase, which involves a couple of public blowouts, a ‘shocking’ video, nude magazine shoots. I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a stint in police custody and some drug possession to come. All planned and pre-approved, natch. The reason I’ve been driven to write about this is the endless discussion this has caused, and I’m here to say. Do not give in. Every time you click on a Miley Cyrus story, every time you watch a video, you’re telling that website and all others that Miley Cyrus content gets hits. You’re further cementing in the minds of those who run major news websites that this shit works, and that real news, that Syria story you spent half the time on, that doesn’t work anymore. You want Miley Cyrus news, give your clicks to a celebrity website, they at least are set up for this. Don’t go to Huffington Post, don’t go to Guardian, or Telegraph, or anywhere else because you are genuinely contributing to the smothering of online journalism in its crib.

(With the exception of this post, because you might have given me a click, one of the five I will receive today, but I also declare a blackout on Miley Cyrus, I will never in these pages again write about that presexual fuckdoll or her inbred family or her butt fucking fans again.)

That is if you must give in. But you don’t have to. You could just ignore her. That would work. That would prove to people that this sort of shock tactic doesn’t work anymore. But this shock tactic does work. Because Miley Cyrus has been on the lips of literally everyone. Hell, even this website right now, which usually focuses on choice cuts from the underground peppered with unappreciated classics. An article about Randy Holden should be here right now, not about that fucking fetus with her awful tired charades.

BUT, if you have avoided clicking on things on principle [golfclap] and you aren’t impressed by her shock tactics, I think we should all be a little bit sad for Miley, and the soulless music meatgrinder has drunk in another starlet and coughed out another tart. Her antics can be viewed either as a juvenile statement by the artist herself, yelling “I’m an adult” with as much conviction as she can; or a cynical marketing ploy to realign Miley away from the tweenage umbilical cord brigade and more towards a hot-pants GQ covergirl pop tart like Rhianna. I know that’s all safe and profitable and easy but if it is the former, a child star throwing off the PG-13 shackles and seeing what fun can be had smashing society about the face with the cold hard truth… why has she just gone down that same old road? Why not show you’re an adult by using your position of immense power and influence to spread a message of peace, or promote music you really like, or entice your pre-natal fans to think about something other than their fucking nails for five fucking seconds.

And something has to be said not just about what she failed to say, but what she actually said. Hooking up with Robin Thicke was the first mistake. In human terms Robin Thicke is a walking argument for China’s One Child policy; a loathsome misogynistic turd with his head so far simultaneously up his own arse and down the cultural sewer that he resembles a pretzel. I can imagine it would be genuinely satisfying to go to work on Robin Thicke with the claw end of a hammer. His single Blurred Lines (don’t search for it if you’re unaware) is probably this year’s cultural nadir which is going some length. After that, Miley chose to objectify herself. I’m fine with female sexual freedom. You’re a wonderful woman, whoever you are; you’re fireworks on the fourth, he can’t do any better, but you could. It’s your sexuality and you can express it however you like to, with no limitations. But why is it that in this world, a woman ‘expressing her sexuality’ is indistinguishable from a 13 year old’s wank fantasy? Smiley Virus has objectified herself, meaning that she has made herself into an object. The men have the agency over her, like any interchangeable Maxim girl she is sexually open, yet chaste, she offers no resistance to the possibility of sexual attraction, but makes no attempt to initiate it either. She is simply an object. This is a horrifying state for any human being to put themselves into but especially terrible that the message it sends to her fans is “this is what a grown woman is, a fuck doll”. That generation has already had enough damage from the Twilight books creating a generation of domestic abuse victims, and Miley seems determined to compound that damage.

Written under duress by Steven. Never again.

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